Based in some of the current research in marriage that has been done, I would say that there are a couple of factors involved in dating and engagement that a lot of people seem to never hear about.
First, is the physiological response of two people. This is a simple chemical reaction that takes place in the bodies of a man and woman when they spend time togehter. Unless already satisfactorily partnered with another woman/man the man/woman will begin generating the hormones that lead to physical love and attraction. These hormones are very powerful and I have seen people "fall in love" in less than a week spent together. This is called "infatuation" and it is perhaps the largest single reason for the coupling AND the breakup of couples that there is.
What happens is, the bodies begin secreting hormones, the other person begins to seem VERY attractive, bodies respond to each other, feeding the drive, and instant couple emerges from the other side. The down side is that this "physiological response usually lasts somewhere around 6 months, and it begins to wane. Have any of you noticed a six-month break-up/renewal cycle in your relationships? When there is a break-up, disagreement, fight, make-up cycle, the chemical bonds can be reestablished for a time, and some long-term couples do this cycle repeatedly for years, never really establishing a true relationship.
The second issue in the length of time spend before marriage is the nature of the physical relationship that transpires between the persons in the relationship. The sooner the relationship turns physical, the shallower the true relationship (remeber, these are tendencies and generalities, not certainties). We now live in a "try it before you buy it" world, and it almost seems abnormal to restrain from physical relationships before marriage. It, however, has been demonstrated very well that physcial (read that sexual) relationships before marriage significantly lessens the chances of a successful marriage, and also tend to lengthen the engagement/dating cycle. There seems to be no pressure on the couple to "settle down" and become married for the simple reason that their bodies needs are being met without it, but what is not known in this sort of a relationship is the true depths of love that can be forged in the absence of physical love.
In prior generations (indeed in large sections of the world today) arranged marriages are and were commonplace, and they succeeded at a rate far above what we are seeing in America today. Why is this? It is likely that the couple has to learn how to make choices that lead to true love, instead of bowing to infatuation, lust, and hormonally driven passions. Learning what true love entails is the single greatest missing link in the dating relationship.
So, what is true love, and how can one know that they have it? I wish that I could easlily answer that question, but it is as different as there are people. I do, however, know some of what it entails. True love is unconditional. It does not say, "I'll love you as long as you: are beautiful, a size 6, satisfy me, take care of the house, kids, etc." True love never says I will love you IF. True love says, "I will love you, period." Yet, I see so many people in my counseling that use the word IF in their statements of love. They have missed the point.
True love is also there for the long haul. Becaue it is not an IF proposition, it means that you are saying, "You are the one for me - the only one - and none other will ever be a part of my life." This is because you already know that by spending time with another, even in a work situation, you can be triggering the physiological response between two bodies that can lead to a marriage-wrecking affair. True love commits for a lifetime together, even if that means living long enough to change each other's depends diapers some day. If that picture does not bother you then you may be on your way.
One last thing - there are certain signs that signal to the knowledgable onlooker whether or not a relationship is ready to continue forward. The most common and the largest single reason that couples (married or not) break up is the littlest things that are said to each other, and the tone of voice in which they are said. Every couple has their own private way of speaking to each other, but it that way in any way includes pet names that are derogatory, the relationship is almost failed to end before it starts. That means that even in "fun" calling the partner something like "idot" or "blonde" or "old lady" or any of the other things that you have both heard and perhaps said almost cartainly dooms the relationship. (Again, these are generalities - and there are of course people that have done this for years and remainded together.) Studies show that in as little as 15 minutes of hearing a couple talk (and who talks for whom!) can be a accurate predictor of the longivity of any marriage or dating relationship.
So, in the end, what is the proper time for dating before marriage for me? At least a year. At least time to meet both families, and to see how each partner reacts. If there is a serious struggle between a partner and the other's family, then carefully examine the relationship, for you are not just marrying the one you love, but their entire family! There has to be enough time to go through at least two cycles of infatuation, which is at least a year. Then, after the decision is made to move forward, there is the pressure to physically make love, which will do the things outlined above. The best course, then is to make a decision, set a date, and begin looking forward to that date. If there is no sexual union, that date can't get there soon enough. If there are no children before marriage, then the marriage can have time to establish itself AFTER the I Do's. I recommend at least a couple of years of marriage before children to establish the marriage soundly before the stress of children is added. And, know this, children NEVER repair an already bad relationship! For all they add to a marriage, they do not add more time in intimacy, more of each other, or more gratification. They take away from all these things, and if you are not well established to begin with, children will ultimately be a burden instead of a blessing.
I know this is long, but there seem to be so many out there that never have the advantage of pre-marital counseling and I thought that I would share some things in order to help anyone that I can. There is, unfortunatley, no guarentee in marriage, but with understanding, love, and willingness, marriage can be the single most blessed event in a person's or a couple's life. I know, I am at year 26 and loving EVERY minute of it!
